<<not veggie related>>

photo by Shandi-lee
This past month and a half has been lovely for me. I’ve been sleeping so well.
It would seem my sleepless nights have returned, however.
After chatting with my advisor about my future plans in the PhD program, he casually mentioned that after I’m a TA for his class, I should TA other courses, then try to become a section instructor, and ultimately, teach a course before I’m done with the program.
At that moment, I became terrified. Thus the reason I can’t sleep.
I do believe I have some teacherly qualities about me, but I do not in any way shape or form feel ready to teach a course at a big university. Just because I took courses as an undergrad does not mean I am equipped to teach them. Will I be knowledgeable enough to teach them in a few years? I sure hope so.
Why am I so fearful? Probably a lot of things. I don’t have years of teaching experience or years of experience in psychology to fall back on. I’ve only been in the psychology (undergrad) program for two years. I won’t have all the answers to questions asked in class. I still feel like an underling, nowhere near savant status in my field. I’ve seen how stressful it can be for PhD students to teach courses. I fear bad student reviews. I fear the students will know more than I do. I fear not being a fair grader. I fear being called out as a faker who has no idea what she’s talking about. I fear my weaknesses will show. I don’t always feel like I deserve to be in this program. I don’t feel mature enough yet. I still have so much to learn!!
But I wouldn’t be where I am now without having conquered quite a few frightening situations. Fear can be good. It can help us grow. It can push us forward when we know the fear of staying static is worse. However, there are also those crippling fears that make people go back into their shell and never come out again. Is this going to be one of those?
Sometimes I think I’m completely crazy for wanting to get a PhD and that maybe I should escape while I can. Then I think about how much I hated waiting tables and being a barista. How unfulfilled I felt. How, unless I had stayed in Utah, my art degree was not going to help me in this job market and I didn’t think graphic design was my passion anyway. How I loved psychology and knew I was cut out for more. And then I think, “My sister is an MD and she’s working on her PhD right now. If she can do that and be the mother of a toddler, an infant, and two step-kids, and learn Danish so fluently in a year that she was able to practice medicine in Denmark, I can certainly manage to pull this off.” Confidence is key. Along with a crazy amount of hard work, passion, and self motivation.
I think I can. I think I can. I think I can.
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